CHENEY'S LAST STAND? Here's what ought to happen tonight, shortly after 10, when Lynne Cheney has finished introducing her husband. Madison Square Garden should go pitch dark, with just a little black light flashing here and there. A lone spotlight should illuminate the podium. And then, from beneath the stage, the Dark Lord himself should arise, twisting one corner of his mouth up before announcing, "Good evening."

This is the last opportunity for George W. Bush to guarantee his re-election. If Dick Cheney whips out a chart showing the results of his latest EKG, announces that he's too sick to continue, and introduces John McCain as his replacement, then John Kerry can keep right on windsurfing. But if Cheney intones, "With respect to your nomination, I accept," then Kerry's got more than a fighting chance.